Today has been a hard day. It has been one of those days when I am weary from the fight. I'm tired. I'm weak. My body doesn't want to move. Simply watching TV was too much work this afternoon. All I could do was lie still in bed. No moving, no talking. I could barely pray because my mind couldn't formulate thoughts. I felt trapped. Stuck in this body, stuck in bed. Unable to sleep. Unable to think. Weakness won out. For a few moments my lungs and diaphragm forgot what they were supposed to do and took a break. My brain had to kick in and remind them to work again.
My body is broken. Usually I can pace myself carefully and make it through the day, even on the bad days. Then there are days like today when I am reminded of just how weak I can be, and just how hard things can get. My body won't do what it was designed to do. It won't even pretend to do what it is supposed to do. There is no faking it today. No one who walks in to the house today could fail to see that I am actually ill. I can't smile to hide the weakness and fatigue I feel right now. This illness is real. My body is growing weaker. I feel like I'm falling apart.
On days like today I long for heaven. I long to be with Jesus. I long to have a resurrection body. I long to live on the new earth. I long for this race to be over. I long for the finish line.
I head over to my friend's blog. She faces the some of the same illnesses I do, plus other trials of her own. She knows what this is like. She's real. She's honest and refreshing. I'm always encouraged after reading her blog, and today is no exception. She encourages me to keep on keeping on.
Hebrews 10:35-36 encourages me to always persevere, especially in those moments that make me want to give up the most -"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
On the Day of Judgment, we will be richly rewarded if we did not give up on our faith in Christ despite danger, persecution, and difficulty. We will shine like the stars in the heavens... with brightness that comes not from a new bulb, but from the glory of God himself.
Colors of Qavah: Just Out of Reach
This is the life God has chosen to give me. This is the path He wants me to walk. I will live this life. I will walk this path. I may have a good cry every now and again, but I will press on. I will embrace this life and the opportunities I have. Some days it's just hard.