Kissing the Wave

"I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages." Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Two months ago I shared a little about the challenges I faced with my health this winter. We made some changes to our schedule so that I could spend a week resting, hoping to avoid a crash like I had in the fall of 2010. While we did manage to avoid a bad crash, we did not avoid a crash altogether. And I’m not sure if it is even possible to avoid a crash.

There is so much that is unknown about my dysautonomia. For 15 years now my health has gotten progressively worse, despite treatment. Treatment does help, but only to a certain extent, and nothing has stopped the progression so far. Right now we are tweaking medications, and adjusting my activity level, with the goal of giving me the best possible quality of life we can at this point.

My energy levels have plummeted in the last two months. I tire out much more quickly than I used to. At my best, I feel like I did a few months ago, but my energy doesn’t last nearly as long. I quickly go from feeling like my “normal” self to feeling completely exhausted. My energy levels are like an old battery that discharges way too quickly. The battery is full, but then suddenly it is empty, and there is nothing left.

In time I will adjust to this new level of limitations and get used to it, but for right now it is really hard. It hurts. And it doesn’t just hurt me; it hurts my whole family. It hurts Will to see me suffering and losing strength. It hurts my children. I can see the sadness in William’s eyes when he comes in to tell me goodnight after I’ve had a bad day. I see Adelaide hurting and missing her mommy. Sometimes she cries and can’t even go to sleep unless I am lying down right next to her, holding her hand. She says she is worried about me and she misses me.

Life is hard, but we were never promised an easy or pain-free life. “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:12-13). 

Today, in the midst of grief, I count my blessings and I thank the Lord for Jesus Christ, who gives me reason to have hope. I am also learning to thank the Lord for the trials of life because He uses them for my good. Physical suffering drives me to Jesus. Dysautonomia is the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.

Photo Credit: Grant Rambojun